so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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