Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
