I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
