girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
