The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
