I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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