so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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