i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
