yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
