Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
