i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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