it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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