dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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