I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
