my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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