I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
