I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
