all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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