I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
