Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
