I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She needs sedatives and a leash
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
