you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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