Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
