I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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