Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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