he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
