I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
