Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
