Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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