you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
