i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
