I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
barbara walters just said penis...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
