There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
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pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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