I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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