Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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