One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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