Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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