Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
