I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Less talking, more tequila
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
