Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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