So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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