why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
