I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
