now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Randomize
