I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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