i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
