when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
