His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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