he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
