did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
