Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
