have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
